I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Randomize
