please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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