I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Four minutes until I can fart!
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
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