my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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