Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm at about main and main street
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
