Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
