i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
