Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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