No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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