His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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