Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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