Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
