I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
