I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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