I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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