Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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