he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
