I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i wish my penis had a tongue
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
