why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
