I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
