i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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