There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
