We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
