Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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