i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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