dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
