Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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