mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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