I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
