She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
