i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
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The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
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So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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