i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
