Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
