i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
