You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
