i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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