Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
