i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
