just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
