They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
