no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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