I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
