Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
