Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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