I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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