After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
