i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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