Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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