there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
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Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
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I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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