Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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