just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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