My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize