He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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