fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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