i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
