we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
