dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
